Letter eight...what'll it be?

Dear Anyone-Who-Has-Ever-Been-Cast-Off-By-A-Lover,

This letter begins fairly self explanatorily I would venture. It's a common enough theme but something that isn't necessarily addressed enough (except, as Holli puts forth, in emo songs). The first bloom of love -this is a cliche, but so is said bloom- is breathtakingly exciting and beautiful in most cases. People, for the first time, learn what it is to share themselves with another human being, to create a partnership against the world, to laugh together and to create a secret little language made up of special words and specific body language. And then there is of course sex. Something that is considered central to the honeymoon period for most couples. For teenagers, disgusted by the concept of conversing about sexual activity with their parents, it is sometimes even more exciting as it has the element of rebelliousness and novelty about it.

I would never NEVER suggest warning people against throwing themselves fully into love and relationships. Regardless of what we're told, what we see in other people's partners' behaviour, how ridiculous we think it is when a friend doesn't call us for six weeks because she or he is so in love with their new squeeze etc., we still pay no heed to this knowledge when we've found our own love story. We think that the story is different for us. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it isn't. In fact often it isn't. I say this not to sound cynical but the truth is that the majority of us have had one or more failed relationships before we finally settle with THE ONE. Or, you know, A GOOD ONE. So it stands to reason that a large amount of us have had our hearts broken, been dumped, done the dumping and then regretted it etc...

We talk a lot about the role of friends in the post break up situation. You're supposed to go back and support your friend regardless of how badly he/she has abandoned you during the 'love-in' period. Because let's face it, the first time is a miracle, a never traversed-never to traverse again plain of experience in which you transcend logic and normal behaviour, and give in entirely to your emotions. So bad treatment of friends can perhaps be forgiven just this once.

But after listening to the stories from friends (and including my own) about the way you feel after the first relationship breaks down I sometimes wonder whether more is needed. Personally I said that it was the first time that I realised that emotion can actually become a physical pain. This is an oft repeated sensation as if the feeling that 'he/she was the only one for me', 'I'll never love again', 'no one else will ever want me like he/she did'. Other people committed petty acts of revenge, slept around, drank heavily, experimented with drugs or, in extreme cases, moved onto self harm and suicide attempts. It seems that romantic love is a dangerous business and one of the few vices that comes to you young and of which you remain a user for life. If people survive their first break-up (which obviously the majority do, let's not get carried away here) they are likely to hold back in future relationships. This is a sad sad thing. Yes, by all means protect yourself but don't ruin love for yourself. I myself can admit to being affected in this way after a bad breakup, but am learning that you lose more by staying 'safe'.

So I'm writing this letter to say:

Don't be scared. Romantic love can add so much excitement
and joy to your life. I'm jealous if you're still waiting for your
first love. It's a most wonderful sensation. Breaking up is, in
many many cases, extraordinarily painful. At the time you'll
ignore anything I or anything one else has said/will say to you.
You won't imagine your pain matches anything anyone else has
ever experienced. And perhaps you're right. I don't know. How
could I possibly know. I only know how I felt. And that was shit!
But I don't wish for you to avoid the pain of a break up. If it's a
way to ensure you ultimately get to be with the one who's perfect
for you, and you alone, then why bypass a bit of crap for a lifetime
of love?

All sorts of people will try and give you advice on life. Do listen to them. You never know what gems you'll pick up. But ultimately love is a solitary occupation. Except for your lover. You should probably share with them.


Lucy